Have you ever come to a point in your walk where you questioned your beliefs? Where you’ve felt the very fibers of your once solid faith unraveling? I sat there that Sunday morning, unsure I wanted to stop the unraveling. As others stood, hands lifted high in praise, I sat, arms crossed, wondering if the God I clung to all these years had abandoned me. Was I standing in this fire alone?
The last four months were riddled with the loss of my brother, my oldest daughter renouncing her faith in Christ, and the diagnosis of my husband’s cancer. I felt like the dry bones of Ezekiel 37 – cut off, dried up, all hope gone.
Sown seeds of faith much bigger than a mustard seed wilted like flowers of a rose. One by one, the big prayers I prayed fell, from a budding rose of hope to the parched ground of my heart. I knew God laid specific prayers and burdens on my heart and, with big faith, I believed they would come to pass. Yet, there they lay as dry as the bones in the valley.
Though I was immensely disappointed in the outcome of my prayers, it was ultimately God in whom I was disappointed. I knew the God of the galaxies had the power to calm a raging sea and the ability to move mountains. But the storm of my raging heart shouted “forsaken”, “abandoned”, and “alone” while mountains of disappointment moved in.
You see, I had lost confidence in God; not in His ability because I firmly believed He placed the earth on its cornerstones by His power, set the laws of nature by His wisdom, and flung the jewels into the heavens by His understanding. But, I doubted His willingness to do so for me. I viewed the situation through my understanding, filling my eyes with the unexpected circumstances.
I questioned. I doubted. I wondered. And I fought. But don’t you know, we serve a God who isn’t afraid of our wrestling with Him. After all, if we’re wrestling with God, we’re actually engaging God. If that’s you, if any of this resonates, may I invite and encourage you to take hold of His hand and be reminded:
- It’s okay to feel disappointed
Genesis 6:6 NIV, says, “The LORD regretted that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved Him to his Heart.” That word “regret” is another word for “disappointed in.” Since we are made in His image and likeness, feelings of disappointment are a natural response when things don’t end as we thought or hoped they would. But left unhealed, a wound can quickly grow to despair and bitterness, taking root in all areas of life. Whether it’s disappointment with others or with God, all disappointment is God’s invitation to process through our circumstances with Him.
Join me over at Crystal’s blog to finish reading this post as well as other stories from brave women just like you.
Oh Esther…
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Passed by from Crystal’s blog.
As someone fresh out (and still shaking off cocoon remnants on my skin) of a similar experience, what has helped me find strength is remembering that God tests our hearts.
We have a word like that in our church this year. That God was going to test our hearts because He wants to take us to a higher place in Him and in life but His testings would be specific to that.
He allows certain experiences to see how deep our bond with Him is and what it would take to leave. Sounds mean, but it’s not. To be a friend of God sometimes means to allow Him to bruise us for His glory.
Glory is heavy to carry. It needs so much less of us.
I’m encouraged that you’re holding on mama. Your girl may be won back to the faith through your holding on.
So glad that you’re leaving room for God to prove Himself faithful.
All the love mama.
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Thank you so much, Koki! I love your statement, “Glory is heave to carry. It needs so much less of us.” Yes and AMEN! My word for this year is “yield” – yielding to Him so I can yield for Him.
Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement! HUGS!
Esther, I am so grateful for the times when disappointment in life and in God were so overwhelming. It was in those times I discovered God held onto me tightly as I held onto Him. Thank you for your transparency in sharing. May you discover anew God’s tight hold on you and your family. Blessings!
Thank you for sharing those truths. They are a great reminder of what to do when we are disappointed. Praying that you will be encouraged in who God is and what he is doing in your life.